On Cynthia Nelson and "Homemade Map"

Cynthia Nelson is a first-rate musician. That she has remained in the underground, even by indie rock standards, is a travesty. Nelson is an adventurous songwriter, an inspired, tuneful and creative guitarist, a captivating vocalist, and a talented flautist.  She also writes poetry. She was a major player in one of the first female-centric math rock bands, Ruby Falls. She was also half of Retsin, an innovative musical duo that was together from 1994 through 2001. In Retsin, Nelson, along with her bandmate and former girlfriend Tara Jane O’Neil, crafted innovative songs. Their music initially sounded like lo-fi bedroom recorded indie rock, and evolved into something more sophisticated, more breathtakingly beautiful.

Retsin’s early recordings, 1995’s debut album “Salt Lick” and the 1996 follow up “Egg Fusion” revealed that Nelson and O’Neil had songwriting chops. Despite these albums raw sound, there was a striking, attractive intimacy communicated in Retsin songs. The lyricism of these early tunes reflected  heartfelt honesty, and a commitment to living life in a unique, adventurous way. Retsin songs evoked a way of living that fuses honesty and the real on one hand, with spirit and passion on the other hand. Neither the real or the passion were compromised, which proved to be a rare feat.

There was a sense that Retsin songs were deeply personal, and that they played off and were inspired by the romantic relationship that Nelson and O’Neil shared. With 1998’s “Sweet Luck of Amaryllis”, Retsin emerged with its best album to date; featuring gorgeous, unique songs that were less choppy, more refined, and even more thrilling to listen to.  With Retsin’s fourth and final full length, 2001’s “Cabin in the Woods”, Nelson and O’Neil fully embraced the smooth, and the serene. “Woods” was Retsin at its most folky and direct.

In 1999, Tara Jane O’Neil recorded her first solo album, Peregrine (released in 2000). O’Neil has now released six transcendent solo records to date, to a supportive fanbase. Unbeknownst to most people, Cynthia Nelson has quietly released three solo albums in her own right, post-Retsin. Nelson’s solo work finds a middle ground between Retsin’s  edgy, gritty indie rock sensibilities (from Retsin’s earliest recordings)  and its later relaxed, folkier sound, while incorporating some pop hooks, keyboards, and more recently, piano. That her songwriting has gotten even more engaging since her Retsin days, and that her singing is more alluring than ever is a testament to her rich musicality and immense talent. 

Nelson has a singular, enthralling singing voice that is girly but never too cutesy, oft sweet but never cheesy, a little soft but with great depth, thin but with strength, and emotionally provocative without being bogged down with over the top melodrama. She presents her voice in a clearly delivered, up front way, which is wise, as her voice anchors her songs just as much as (maybe even beyond) her acoustic and electric guitar playing, keyboards, piano and flute. Nelson has a real way with words that can’t be taught. She puts to words what a lot of people plugged into the universe stay up at night contemplating. Some themes that Nelson’s lyrics gravitate towards include self-purpose, the subtle intricacies of life, the rewarding, valuable nature of open mindedness, and interpersonal connectivity. 

A quality map offers detail, clarity and unfiltered insight into the road ahead. Nelson’s 2006 album “Homemade Map” plays as a metaphorical map, with a tracklist in lieu of a legend. It is a personal, intimate guide of sorts to her life story; it plays as a document of insight into the evolving landscape of her decisions, relationships and emotions, and highlights the implications surrounding them. What makes the album so swoon-worthy lies in its telling intent. The album feels like its purpose was to act as a spiritual cleanser for Nelson herself. The project feels self-serving.  It feels like she didn’t sit down and try to make an album; rather, she sat down and dealt with her past, while engaging with her present, and mapping out her future intent.  “Homemade Map” is the sound of a human being confronting her own life story, and conducting voluntary self-care.  These songs are authentic and therapeutic. Even more importantly, these songs feel essential. “Homemade Map” sounds like it was crafted out of necessity;  like these songs needed to exist in order for Cynthia Nelson to be able to move forward in her life.  By making  peace with her past and being completely open and honest with herself, Nelson recognizes that she is giving herself every opportunity to carve out the best possible present and future for herself. What’s more inspired, and significant than writing songs that accept where you’re been, acknowledge where you are, and help take you to where you’re going? That these songs sound as good as Nelson’s is just icing on the cake. 

“Homemade Map” opens with a slice of confidence and conviction. “No Queen (The Gambler) is a spunky, flavourful romp with attitude; an anthem of endorsement towards growth, and onward motion. It features vocal musings that seem to express the value of taking chances in life, and an infectious, upbeat, hooky melody. When Nelson passionately wraps up the song asserting: “I risked it all, I always do/I risked it all, I always do”, only for her voice to slowly start fading out, our thoughts are directed to the paradox of risk taking. (Cynthia Nelson- No Queen) (Homemade Map).  Taking a risk and starting anew is adventure, motion, thrill and potential gain, but it is also ambiguity, uncertainty and potential loss.  

“No Sleep To Be Had” emerges next, and stops you in your tracks.  The shock factor? The song is the polar opposite to “No Queen (The Gambler) in just about every way.  Stripped down to just acoustic guitar and her otherworldly, inviting voice, “No Sleep To Be Had” is an ode to new beginnings. The warmth, and touch of subtle self-assurance in her voice here is remarkable, considering her words reflect uncertainty, and a sense of being in the midst of uncharted territory. 

“Could we collide, couldn’t decide.

Went off to sleep but did nothing of the kind.”

“There was no sleep to be had

Though I needed it bad.

There were new arms that had not surrounded me yet.” 

(Cynthia Nelson- No Sleep To Be Had) (Homemade Map- 2006).

The song has an intimate feel, aided by Nelson’s personal, somewhat confessional lyrics. Nelson avoids falling into an overtly weepy singer-songwriter stance, on the strength of a key aesthetic choice. The lyrics are recounted in a storytelling-like manner. Even though the narrative is unquestionably personal, there is noticeable feeling that Nelson is removed enough from these events (enough time has passed) that she can recount them without sounding overtly dramatic. 

“Isn’t Bed Just Better” is a moody, dissonant tune that is sung with traces of frustration, and mysteriousness.  A fierce electric guitar moans throughout, coupled with lyrics that hint at a yearning for a more multifaceted and multidimensional, less superficial way of life:  “Being alive at all times/not just fantasizing, not just kissing” (Cynthia Nelson- Isn’t Bed Just Better) (Homemade Map- 2006).  This song is one of Nelson’s most rocking, edgy to date.

“Long D” is Nelson at her most poppy and playful. With lyrics like “you are west and I am east/I am  ashphalt, you are sea” and “writing letters from afar/not sure who each other are” , it is clear that the title is a short form for long distance (as in an exploration of long distance relationships). (Cynthia Nelson- Long D) (Homemade Map). The music is bouncy and energetic here. The lyrics have a goofy, humorous tone to them, and are sung in a lighthearted, jaunty way, which make for a refreshing take on the subject matter (long distance relationship songs are tragic and sensitive, more often than not).   Although similar on a surface level, to label it an electro-pop song would be to ignore its complexities. The song’s intro and outra consists of Nelson making an “aaah” like sound, singing at the high end of her register (Cynthia Nelson- Long D.) (Homemade Map). It provides the song with an eerie and theatrical vibe, which is anything but par for the electo-pop course.  Also, three quarters into the song, much of the electronic layers are suddenly brought to a halt, and the percussion is uniquely given weight and emphasis. With the support pared down to only a single keyboard line, this surprising change of guard gives the song versatility. Even more importantly, it provides the song with doses of restlessness, anxiety and tension. By honouring the restlessness, anxiety and tension that come with long distance relationships, “Long D” is as honest as it is whimsical; a winning combination.

Hares On the Mountain is Nelson’s rendition of an old folk song. Nelson’s bittersweet, heart wrenching singing is on full display here, and the gentle acoustic guitar strumming is wildly engaging. 

“Speechless” is a poetically rich, musically minimal song that explores uncomfortable communication. Before evolving into a sublime instrumental towards its conclusion, Nelson zeroes in on a moment that is very relevant and applicable to our lives: The moment of communication being reignited, post-breakup. “Speechless” reminds us of Nelson’s prowess with words and language; she has a knack for successfully placing importance and value on life occurrences that are often characterized by society as subtle and small scale. 

“Though we followed her homemade map

She had grown up on the land.

We stopped at a giant flat rock.

We were speechless

And then we started to talk.”

(Cynthia Nelson- Speechless) (Homemade Map- 2006).

Moving from a speechless state to a talking state with someone you care deeply about is a transition that we all experience, but with “Speechless”, Nelson captures and reinforces the triumph of such a moment.  The song provides a glimpse into what it means to truly love someone. Even after the romantic relationship reached its end point, Nelson took time to revel in the moment where talking with her ex became part of her life experience again. Loving someone is being willing to strip off the problematic parts of a connection with someone, and take comfort in  and try to find a little bit of joy in the parts of a connection that are still functional and desirable.  Nelson’s attitude on this subject is eye opening: If the relationship as a whole doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean the door should be shut on the parts of that connection that still do work.  In fact, Nelson has such an elaborate build up in this song, that her final lyrics about talking again, and the drawn-out tempo in which they are presented, feel earned and real.  

Her words also feel subtlety celebrated and even a little joyous. By extension, we have just tapped into perhaps Nelson’s greatest songwriting and lyrical strength: She takes time to not only notice the moments like this one that could be perceived as small scale or minor, but she gives such moments the fullness, fleshing out and even celebration that they deserve, in her life picture. Nelson reminds us that the definition of loving someone goes beyond romantic love; love is bigger and more significant than a romance or the end of a romance. Nelson shows us that breakups don’t have to mean the end of love.  Her ability in this song to admit to herself and to others that the simple act of talking with someone that she loves can feel good, and her determination to not deny herself that subtle joy and smile that comes with talking again, even when you are not longer romantically involved, is as courageous and inspiring as it gets.

“2004 or 5” is a brilliantly frenzied wash of chaos. It is the sounds of the sane on the brink of insanity: a stable, grounded individual facing instable circumstances, severe dissatisfaction, and that unbearable feeling of being stuck, and trapped. Sonically, keyboards dominate here, providing the song with a foreboding, and unhinged flavour. Lyrics like the following excerpt add to the overriding aura of breakdown and disillusionment: 

“Decision isn’t enough.

Prescription takes the cake out from under me.

These yellow walls appear to be holding me.

2004 or 5

Captivity has arrived.

2004 or 5

My good captivity has arrived.”

(Cynthia Nelson- 2004 or 5) (Homemade Map- 2006).

Social norms and conventions are certainly useful, but with their existence comes the potential for social restraint: holding back from expressing basic, straightforward thoughts to not go against these social norms. In “2004 or 5”, Nelson asks a simplistic, straightforward question without restraint or holding herself back due to artificial social norms: 

“And where do you mail your letters, if you can not mail them from this house?” 

(Cynthia Nelson- 2004 or 5) (Homemade Map- 2006).\

The above question is such a valuable and affecting question. Yet, the social norm value of being subtle and respectable instead of overt and direct would likely detract many from asking the question that Nelson asked. That’s a shame because a question like Nelson’s has the ability to pack so much meaning into so little words. The question posed can be interpreted both literally and metaphorically, and it provides deep insight into Nelson’s inner tribulations and roadblocks, and the implications surrounding the tribulations and roadblocks.

“Manhatten Island Serenade” is another cover, this time of a song crafted by Leon Russell and C.R. Bridges. Nelson’s rendition sounds more spirited and lively than the original. Nelson incorporates an assortment of orchestral sounds into the tune, and her flute playing is utilized to haunting effect. 

Homemade Map also includes what I deem to not only be Nelson’s best song ever, but perhaps the most moving and beautiful breakup song by anyone, ever. “Meet Me at the Fair” sees Nelson’s vocals delivered like she’s ready to break out into tears in the middle of the recording. Subdued guitar and sobering flute provide the support, but it’s her lyrics and tearjerker vocal delivery that draws you in here.  What a song!  After listening to “Meet Me at the Fair” one hundred times, my eyes still swell up and get teary eyed when listening to these lyrics, coupled with Nelson’s transfixing, radiant voice: 

“I met you when a halo shocked me

Shining above your hair.

And when you stepped down from the spotlight

I wanted to be there.”

(Cynthia Nelson- Meet me at the Fair) (Homemade Map).

Sometimes, even the greatest amount of love isn’t enough. Our own hopes and visions for living our lives can play the role of redefining a relationship, and in some cases, can end the romantic part of the relationship.

“There’s complications due to my age

That I must attend to.

I’ll miss the reckless conversation

That we did ascend to.

Your arms, your eyes, your ears were open.

It’s me you are a friend to.

I’ll meet you where the hours are plenty

But no one there except you.

I’ve got to go back to my working

I’ll go underground.

And though for 10 years I made music

I will not make a sound.

So meet me in St. Louis, Louis

Meet me at the fair.

I’ll tell you where

So you won’t miss me

I’ll be absolutely there."

(Cynthia Nelson- Meet Me at the Fair) (Homemade Map).

Meet Me at the Fair is that unparalled break up song that honours and recollects the warmth and glow of the good times in an ended relationship, while simultaneously portraying a deep sense of loss and space.  Matching only the lyrical rhyming structure from “Meet Me in St. Louis, Louis”, a song by Kerry Mills and Andrew B. Sterling, the song is a complete Cynthia Nelson original (Nelson penned the lyrics and music for “Meet Me at the Fair”). Meeting “when the hours are plenty and no one there except you” sounds like a wonderful idea in theory, but having a fair open for plentiful hours with no one there seems like a contradiction of terms. (Cynthia Nelson- Meet Me at the Fair) (Homemade Map- 2006). It sounds like an impossibility. I mean, fairs in the midst of their business hours nearly always have people present. 

There is such ambiguity and a lack of specificity in the fair plans that Cynthia is making with her ex, that it almost seems like she knows deep down that the plans just won’t, just can’t be fleshed out, and be made more concrete. The plans just can’t, just won’t come to fruition. Even as Nelson reassures her former flame with her words that she’ll “be absolutely there”, the listener is hard pressed to believe her (Cynthia Nelson- Meet Me at the Fair) (Homemade Map- 2006). 

Nelson is, at the song’s end, singing with a much more distanced, borderline ghostly vocal expression of someone who has already departed, and has no immediate plans to meet up and put on a brave face. It just simply hurts too much to do that. The transition between the depth and fullness of being lovers and experiencing everything together, to the minimalism of maybe experiencing a feris wheel ride and some cotton candy together one day at the fair, is such a heartbreaking metaphor; almost too much to handle. Nelson herself ultimately seems to find the sentiment of a day at the fair with her ex to be a beautiful one, but also at the time, a near- impossible one. This is music at its most true and pure; music at its finest.

“Blue Receiver” is the album’s final song.  If “2004 or 5” is the breakdown, and “Meet Me at the Fair” is the breakup, then “Blue Receiver” is the breakthrough and new beginning. It retains the simmering, downcast tempo of “Meet Me at the Fair” but the mood and atmosphere of the latter is now warm and tranquil.  It is the sounds of Nelson finally at peace and ease with both her past, and present.  She sounds eager and excited about what lies ahead too.  

You're sketching in new parts of land

You hold the hand drawn map in hand. 

Demand expression of the endless sand,: 

(Cynthia Nelson- Blue Receiver) (Homemade Map- 2006).

 If you listen to Nelson’s voice closely, you can hear faint remnants of the breakdown and breakup phases. She still sounds a tad wistful, and there is that classic Cynthia Nelson longing instilled.  Yet, if you hone in on it, you’ll notice her voice here is more hopeful, and more at ease. What’s really changed in “Blue Receiver” is that the longing is no longer longing for a changed, better life picture. Rather it is affirmative longing: a longing for the present tense, characterized by self- acceptance and self-fulfillment (two valuable, rewarding pursuits that most human beings are heavily invested in). 

“Blue Receiver” is a celebration of the now, and a self-realization and self-validation that after all the trials and tribulations, Nelson succeeded: She created a life picture that she herself is fulfilled by and on board with. That she has, in the process, created an authentic, insightful, rewarding musical “homemade map” depicting her journey and inspiring journeys of our own, is truly a gift for the world and its people.

Article/review by: Nat Bourgon

Notes: 

“Homemade Map”, the heavily discussed 2006 album by Cynthia Nelson,  is available as a digital download on her “nonstop co-op” record label website for $5.00 US : http://nonstopco-op.com/cynthia_nelson

 In addition to the discussed 2006 album “Homemade Map”, Cynthia Nelson has released two other excellent recordings under her name, both of which I would highly recommend,: 2004’s “The Sophie Drinker Record” and 2010’s “In a Lab”.

The mentioned 1998 and 2001 Retsin albums "Sweet Luck of Amaryllis" and "Cabin in the Woods", featuring Nelson as a key singer/songwriter/guitarist/flautist are also available digitally on iTunes. Both are fantastic!